Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us, Part II: You Are Healthy Enough for Love
by Cassendre Xavier
In my previous “Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us” article, I talked about how we all want different things, and how not everyone is interested in a “one true (monogamous) love” for the rest of their lives. I realized this as a womon who was seeking a highly compatible partner to have an alternative, non-traditional, deeply committed and healthy relationship with. I say this because most of the advice on meeting your soulmate I have seen has come from more folks seeking a much more traditional relationship.
I was reading and practicing the suggestions in books and recordings by Arielle Ford (The Soulmate Secret: Manifest the Love of Your Life with the Law of Attraction) and Sanaya Roman (Attracting Your Soul Mate), among others. I made much progress using these works, particularly when I learned to use those teacher’s suggestions, even though their ideas of an ideal mate and relationship did not match mine.
This time I am writing because I manifested another wonderful relationship, enjoyed it for a good while (9 ½ months, which in poly-queer-survivor-bipolar-interracial time is, like, three years!), and have been experiencing its “transforming” (into platonic friendship) in recent months.
While I was going over in my mind the things that went well, I also noticed what did not go well, and my part in it. I must admit, I got to thinking about “my problems”, and started losing faith I would ever find the partner I could set up proverbial relationship“shop” with for a long time.
I thought, “Oh, man, I am too messed up to meet anyone who will really last a long time with me. I’m a survivor. I don’t trust anyone. I have intimacy, fear of abandonment, and attachment issues. I’m bipolar, I have an eating disorder, I’m too messed up, I’ll never make it!”
Then I remembered how Arielle said you are never too old, fat, or broke to meet the soulmate of your dreams. You just need to know more about yourself and your issues, and work on them. You also don’t have to have all your stuff “fixed” before you do meet a great and compatible partner.
Can you relate? If so, when here are some things to consider:
1) No one is ever “too messed up”for love. I am sure you have seen couples who are happy together and you cannot for the life of you figure out why. See? They make you look practically normal! We all have issues. And we all have chemistry – different chemistry with different people. The key is to be in relationship with folks whose issues are least harmful to and most compatible with yours. As the line in the Broadway show “RENT” goes, “I want someone whose baggage matches mine.” It is not about denying or despising your shadow, but about finding another shadow your shadow wants to dance with, not kick, for example. (Just for starters!) Of course, everyone will push your buttons sometimes, but you can find someone whose adorableness and compatibility with you make it all much easier to bear!
2) Do not discount the progress you have made over the years. Personally, I remembered that I used to have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and be triggered by even a fragrance, to have nightmares, talk in my sleep, ignore or be very mean to my partner. Today, most of those behaviors are gone.
3) Recognize the healthy love you do have in your life: from friends, to pets, co-workers, neighbors, etc. All love counts, and you can use your abilities in some relationships to practice for other relationships. It all counts.
4) Spiritually, there is really no such thing as time. So when you are thinking, “I’m too old to ever find love,” or “I’ll run out of time,” remember, there is only now, right this moment. And in this and any moment you can choose to have a happy thought, to fill your heart with love, to make a kind gesture to yourself and others. This will help attract better, healthier love, and in the various aforementioned romantic and non-romantic forms.
5) Spiritually, no one is ever“broken”. No matter what has happened to you, whether in childhood or later, your spirit was never harmed. When you are healing and come across difficulties in accepting your wholeness in physical form, it may help to start by remembering your perfection and completion in spirit.
6) All you ever have to do is breathe and try to give and receive love. I love to remember that, and it reminds me of two phrases: Benjamin Franklin’s statement about death and taxes, and when some black folks say, “All I gotta do is stay black and die!” Well, spiritually, I believe we don’t “have” to do anything in life, but if we want to make the most of life, all we’re really here for is to love, and not to just give or receive love, but both. Doing the best we can at work and with our families is noble, too, but really, love is the thing. Or “the answer” as the pop song goes! So, when you think of it that way, that all you’re really responsible for is giving and receiving love, where then is there room for worry about finding your ideal mate? It’s gone! And, ironically, like everything else, it’s when we’ve removed the worry that what we want comes to us. Focus on giving and receiving love and everything else will take care of itself, ideal mate or no ideal mate. Just the joy of being in love with yourself and with your life and everyone and everything in it.
I am very grateful to have had success over the years in manifesting relationships that are increasingly healthier, more joyous, exciting, romantic, adventurous, and life-improving for my partners and myself.
I wish the same for you. May we all have the discipline and self-regard to be patient in our search for our ideal mate(s), to do the best for ourselves in the process, and to allow our lives and our loves to unfold in the best ways!
Cassendre Xavier is an award-winning, multi-media arts performer and arts organizer born in Brooklyn, NY and based in Philadelphia since 1991. She has released several recordings of original music described as “a cross between Tracy Chapman, Sade and Enya”(Steven M. Wilson, Borders Music), had her multi-genre writing published internationally, acted and directed, exhibited her fine art, and is the founder and director of Philadelphia’s annual Black Women’s Arts Festival (est. 2003). Visit www.cassEndrExavier.comfor more information.
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