Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Supplying Your Own Needs
by Cassendre Xavier
When I presented my workshop Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Dating & Relationships for the Poly, Recovering, Survivor & Tantric at the 10th Annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia this past weekend, funnily or perhaps just ironically it wasn't until the very end of my workshop that I remembered the second most important part of soulmate attraction (the first part is changing your beliefs): Being your own best partner.
In her audio recording "Meeting Your Inner Lover", urban tantrika and bestselling author Barbara Carrellas talks about the importance of creating for yourself all the things you want to find in your ideal mate(s).
Here are the reasons to be your own very best mate:
1) When or if someone significant to you leaves (for whatever reason, including death), you will still have yourself. If you are operating as if someone else is more important to you, or has more of what you are seeking than you can provide, such a loss would be much more difficult and painful to manage, if not downright devastating.
2) You will be acting from abundance. When you act as if, or believe, that someone else has more of what you want than you now have or can provide for yourself, you are acting from a place of lack and scarcity. Since we are all ways attracting, you want to be sure you are attracting from a pool of potential soulmate who are as abundant and complete as you believe you are, not lacking and needing something else to complete you. Whenever you meet someone, they are mirroring you, and if you are at least in the process of creating for yourself what you want, you are in that much of a better place to meet someone who will support you in that journey, if not even pleasantly surprising you with it altogether.
3) "Mother of Masturbation" Betty Dodson coined the term "selfloving" to mean masturbation, as I prefer to say "self-pleasuring". When you are taking care of all your most essential needs, including sexual, you not only are better equipped to teach a new sexual partner what you like and how, but you are stronger and more self-sufficient because you are sexually self-contained. You are not relying on anyone to supply your orgasms.
As I shared in my workshop this past weekend, when you begin to rely on someone else for you sexual pleasure, your sense of vision and judgment are affected. You can start to accept more negative behaviors or situations from them because they bring you the pleasure you are not supplying for yourself. But when you are "handling your own business" as it were, you have less tolerance for mistreatment of any kind. Why? Because you don't need them (this persun, these people). You have yourself.
Another thing that happens is your sexual appetite is sated more. You are less likely to be led by your loins. You are less likely to say "Yes" to someone who irks the beejeeziz out of you, for example. (Just for starters!) And you can be more choosy about who you bring into your boudoir, your bed, your body, and your very precious life altogether. Take care of your own needs, and do so without shame or guilt. (If you do have shame or guilt about masturbation, work on this, and also focus on the many health benefits of regular sexual release. Not only will your relationship choices be better, so will your immune system, at the very least!)
4) You don't have to have supplied all of your own most essential needs when you begin your search for more compatible mate(s). The key is to shift your focus from need and filling in what's lacking in your life, to a desire to celebrate what you already have, and give to someone else in the context of a loving and romantic relationship.
We are all energy and it's energy that attracts us to one another - it's energy that will bring your next good mate to you. You want to come from a place of positive, abundant, giving energy. Energy of your being complete and joyful now, as you are this moment.
Remember you are a humyn, being. Your imperfections and flaws, no matter how glaring or severe, are your most treasured gifts and beauty marks. In some ways, some of what you think may be unappealing about yourself could be one of your most fetching qualities and characteristics to someone else.
It is the very act of living as though you are enough, and seeking to supply your own most essential needs that will shift your energy of attraction to your most ideal partner(s).
It is not having reached the finish line that accomplishes the task, but preparing for the walk. Acquiring the training gear, getting dressed, training, practicing, having fun. This is when the magick starts to happen - this is when you start to meet the ones who bring you the most joy. Because you are bring the joy to yourself, first, because you are showing the universe that you are enough already. And the universe which loves this, and loves you, says Yes.
Think of how attractive you will be when you start to live this way, or live more this way than you have so far. Think of how much more attractive someone is when they feel they are already enough. Think of how attractive people are when they are about the business of creating joyful lives for themselves, regardless of their relationship status.
That can be you! Have all the fun and attract from that!
Cassendre Xavier has been writing the "Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us" series at Wisdom Magazine's online edition since 2011. She is the author of the forthcoming book Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Dating & Relationships for the Poly, Recovering, Survivor & Tantric, and has presented her workshop of the same title at Sisterspace Weekend in Darlington, Maryland (September 5-7, 2014) and the 10th Annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia 2015 (February 20-22). Cassendre has been living with bipolar depression her whole life, been a member of Philadelphia's LGBT, polyamorous, and New Age communities since 1991, and from 1996-1999 facilitated Sisters Healing Together, a peer support group for women survivors of incest with a special focus on compulsive overeating, which she also founded, at the William Way LGBT Community Center in Philadelphia. Cassendre is the creator of the popular Affirmations for Survivors guided meditation audio series (“Self-Love” and “Spirituality” were released in 2007; “Sexuality” and “Life Skills” are forthcoming in Spring 2015). For more information, please visit http://cassEndrExavier.com