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Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: 7 Steps on the Indirect Path to Love

by Cassendre Xavier


Recently I’ve been using a new personals website to hopefully meet one of my next significant others. (Actually, the site isn’t new, but it’s new to me!)

After getting my hopes up about possibly having made a compatible match, and then having those hopes dashed because I didn’t follow my usual screening system, which usually has me and the prospective new paramour either talking on the telephone or meeting as soon as possible, I realized something. I had been too focused on using the internet and personals ads to meet someone. 

 It’s not that the internet hasn’t worked for me in the past – it has. And before the internet personals sites, I used the good old fashioned newspaper ones (remember those? And remember when in those days, internet personals were the “scary” thing you’d have to lie to your friends about using, and how you met?), which also worked for me in meeting suitable, if only temporary, as it turned out, mates.

 Do you know how you meet the significant ones that turn into long-lasting, deep connections full of personal growth, transformation, and passion? By delving into your other loves and interests in your life – the things that have been present for you for many years as activities you enjoy doing, and places you like being.

 For instance, one of the things about this recent experience I had that brought this realization up for me, was that he wanted to meet either after work in a bar, or at a fetish event. Not that there’s anything “wrong” with either, and I have had pleasant dates in bars and fetish events, but I have not been in the habit of attending either as a single person seeking a partner. I don’t like bars, and I haven’t been to a fetish event in over 10 years. But I have been in plenty of bookstores, and can’t seem to keep myself away from them! I have also met several significant others when I was either working in a bookstore as an employee, or presenting a literary event there, performing music, or even volunteering there. Clearly, I have a love of books. I also thoroughly enjoy the lack of alcohol at said locations. And that’s huge. It’s important to know what you like and what you don’t like – and be about the business of placing yourself in places and activities “where the heart is.” Because wherever your heart is, there will your love be also.

 I thought about the people I met in bars, at fetish events, and at bookstores. The most love I generated from all three, was definitely at my bookstore activities. Maybe not the most pleasure all the time, but definitely more long-term relationships were found there. 

 Another key to this – is that I was not looking! At the bookstores, I was there, because I wanted to be there. Because I loved everything about that particular bookstore. I was there following my bliss and being in a good place and not looking for or needing anything or anyone. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about how nice it would be to have a partner. You can still desire and imagine having what you want. That’s an excellent thing to do! But it works best when you are creating joy for yourself, and simply expressing the desire for more, while inviting others to the party that is your beautiful life! You are most attractive that way, and not when you focus too much on placing personals ads and seeking ads to respond to.

 What I learned after that experience was: Be Indirect in seeking love. Do not go directly for the personal ad alone or first. Do many other things that get you into the love of yourself, the love of an activity, a place, or of feeling a particular way. Get into some hobbies, especially those you’ve been neglecting for years or never got around to trying. This will make you most attractive, because you will not be coming from a place of lack and sadness or longing, but from abundance and joy and having. You’ll be happy and excited about what you’re doing, and your focus will not be outward seeking something or someone outside of yourself to make you happy.

 It is not wrong or bad to have one or even several personals ads out there, whether online or offline. It’s just not ideal to be too heavy-handed with those, and lack sufficient expression of joy and activities and adventure in other areas of your self-love life. 

 What you want is balance. 

 So, if you’re seeking to manifest new loves in your life:

1) Make a list of hobbies you enjoy. Include those you haven’t tried yet or haven’t done in years. Make plans on how you will begin doing some of those hobbies.

2) Write down some of your favorite places in the city or town where you life. Then make plans to visit them within the next 2 weeks.

3) Write down the names of some of your favorite people – those you feel good around and really enjoy spending time with. If they are spiritually uplifting to you, that is all the better! Make plans to notify them soon to get together for tea, a walk, run an errand together, or any other activity that would befit you and your friends(s), associate(s), or family of choice/origin member.

4) If you do have one or more personals ads, upgrade it/them by adding more current pics, being more truthful in your ad about what you want and what you’re looking for, and seek to find others and respond to their ads as well. You can also try a new personals ad website or periodical that you’ve been wanting to try, or that your friends keep highly recommending!

5) Tell some of your closest friends or coworkers that you’re looking, what type of person or persons you’re looking for, what you have to offer someone new, and that you’re open to being invited to casual get-togethers to meet folks.

6) Check periodically that your life is balanced, that you are spending a good amount of time enjoying solitude (possibly the most soulmate-attractive activity!) and the company of friends, as much as you do with your hobbies and attention to your personals ads. Make adjustments as necessary.

7) Have a buddy system with others who are seeking new romantic relationships. Spend some time with, support and encourage one another.



Cassendre Xavier has been writing the "Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us" series at Wisdom Magazine's online edition since 2011. She is the author of the forthcoming book Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Dating & Relationships for the Poly, Recovering, Survivor & Tantric, and has presented her workshop of the same title at Sisterspace Weekend in Darlington, Maryland (September 5-7, 2014) and the 10th Annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia 2015 (February 20-22). Cassendre has been living with bipolar depression her whole life, been a member of Philadelphia's LGBT, polyamorous, and New Age communities since 1991, and from 1996-1999 facilitated Sisters Healing Together, a peer support group for women survivors of incest with a special focus on compulsive overeating, which she also founded, at the William Way LGBT Community Center in Philadelphia. Cassendre is the creator of the popular Affirmations for Survivors guided meditation audio series (“Self-Love” and “Spirituality” were released in 2007; “Sexuality” and “Life Skills” are forthcoming later in 2015). For more information, please visit   http://cassEndrExavier.com

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