Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Feeling and Living As If
by Cassendre Xavier
As a polyamorous woman of a very youthful age of 46, who has been studying soulmate attraction since the late 1990s, I have enjoyed over 20 years of joyously bringing new romantic companions into my life! I am grateful to have a learned and practiced a lot of tips from my peers as well as from my partners themselves. I’d like to share some of those with you!
One of the first things I learned is the importance of feeling and living as if your ideal mate is already in your life.
First, identify what those feelings would be. Close your eyes, and relax your body. Drop your shoulders. Breathe deeply and slowly. Imagine your wish has come true - your ideal mate has appeared and is available for you, and you are now dating or living together - whatever your wish is. How do you feel having this persun in your life? What are the names of the emotions? What are the qualities? Are you more secure? Do you feel safe? Loved? Cherished? Calm? Relaxed? At peace? More complete, or fulfilled? Write them down.
What would it take to start feeling those ways and taking on those qualities now? Often times you need only think of a way to feel or of a quality to have to begin feeling or having them. Imagine yourself secure, safe, loved, cherished, calm, relaxed, at peace, complete, and fulfilled now.
Doing this puts your energy field in the same vibration as that which you wish to attract. You’ll be vibrating much more like the one you are seeking. And more importantly, you will move from a place of lack and wanting and needing (ie. not having) to a place of abundance and confidence (having). You’ll be moving from a place of fear to a place of love. You want to feel so content and busy with feeling good about your life that at some point you start to think about wanting a partner less and less. You start not needing one as much.
When a sweetheart on the horizon is no longer the focal point for you, nor a special treat to look forward to - when your life itself is or becomes that special treat, that’s when you’ll know for sure that special someone is just around the corner. And you’ll be surprised by that individual because you’ll no longer be looking for her or him. The key to having what you want is not needing or wanting it.
How do you begin living as if your ideal mate is already in your life?
Make a list of all the things you want your ideal mate to provide in your life. Within that list, write down what activities you could begin doing right now, today, even, to start manifesting the essence of this new life in your life. Remember, the key is to start to become a vibrational match to what you’re seeking, and the best and fastest way you can do this is to actually become what you are seeking, while you await it arrival. Here are some examples of identifying what you want in a mate, and starting to provide those qualities for yourself:
1. A feeling of security. What can you do to feel more secure? First of all, what do you mean by feeling secure? Emotional security? Financial security? Be as specific as you can. And you can provide feelings of security by making your bed very comfortable and cushy. Making your home more secure with locks, alarms, fence(s), and/or guard dogs if necessary. You can also choose to have a roommate or even change from a house to a condominium with a doorpersun out front. Financial security could mean making plans for your financial future, or creating a new or adding a savings account for yourself. These are some examples of how you can start to feel more secure immediately, if security is something you seek in a partner.
2. Feeling more attractive. There are things you can do to feel more attractive - from the outside, like smiling more, increasing your grooming habits, upgrading your appearance by getting a new hairstyle or fresh new wardrobe or a few new items of clothing that make you feel vibrant, attractive, and exciting. You want your clothes to say, among other things, that you are interested in the type of persun you are trying to attract. For instance, if you are a woman, you want what you wear to say,”I like men. I like sex with men.” You can still be classy, but you definitely want to look “open for business”. True, you can attract someone if you look like you’ve no interest in going out on dates, or dancing, or attracting men, but it’ll be much easier if you do. And could change the way you feel about yourself, too. Feeling more attractive could also come from doing things for or with other people. Maybe you need to go out more with your friends, or do some volunteer work, or something else that may increase your self-confidence, and therefore increase your feelings of attractiveness. Going to a healthcare professional for a check-up is also a good idea. Sometimes we lose interest in sex and there’s a physiological reason that we may need to pay attention to. Early detection saves lives, and we should not be afraid to go get checked out.
3. Sense of Romance. Don’t wait for someone to buy you jewelry, or flowers, or candy, or cards on Valentine’s or any other day of the year. Do those things for yourself, even if it may not always feel so good to do so at first. It will get easier over time, and at some point you may even find you enjoy yourself! Take yourself out on dates, and do it for the sake of doing it, not for who you might meet along the way. Focus on loving yourself and at some point, someone else is sure to focus their energies on loving you - but you’ve got to start with yourself, first!
4. A sense of adventure. Do you want a lover to go on trips with? Go on those trips yourself! Countless stories have been told of women and men who got tired of waiting for “The One” to arrive, and started doing the things they were holding off on until they met that persun. In so many cases, doing so is exactly what led to their meeting! But remember, that is not the goal or the incentive. It just so happens that doing these things attracts good things and sometimes those good things are romantic. But the most important thing is that you don’t hold back living your dreams. That you don’t make yourself a second class citizen by postponing your dreams, good self-treatment, romance and adventure, because you’re waiting for that someone special to make it “worth” the effort. If you are waiting for someone else before you embark on these things, you are saying to the universe, “I’m not worth it” and the universe agrees! Start sending the message that you are worth all the good things you expect a lover to bring to your life, but beginning to experience them now!
When you practice or acknowledge being your own, primary best friend and lover, the more attractive you become to all things and people who would support that fact. And when you are being your own best friend and lover, you are saying to the universe, “I am worth it.” And the universe says Yes! And when you are saying you are worthy, you attract those individuals and circumstances that affirm your worthiness. What could be more attractive than that? Enjoy!
Cassendre Xavier has been writing the "Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us" series at Wisdom Magazine's online edition since 2011. She is the author of the forthcoming book Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Dating & Relationships for the Poly, Recovering, Survivor & Tantric, and has presented her workshop of the same title at Sisterspace Weekend in Darlington, Maryland (September 5-7, 2014) and the 10th Annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia 2015 (February 20-22). Cassendre has been living with bipolar depression her whole life, been a member of Philadelphia's LGBT, polyamorous, and New Age communities since 1991, and from 1996-1999 facilitated Sisters Healing Together, a peer support group for women survivors of incest with a special focus on compulsive overeating, which she also founded, at the William Way LGBT Community Center in Philadelphia. Cassendre is the creator of the popular Affirmations for Survivors guided meditation audio series (“Self-Love” and “Spirituality” were released in 2007; “Sexuality” and “Life Skills” are forthcoming in Spring 2015). For more information, please visit http://cassEndrExavier.com