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Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Do Not Envy or Compare Yourself to Others

Create Your Own Love Stories Instead!

by Cassendre Xavier


It is a very powerful, and natural, part of humyn nature to envy. We often compare ourselves to others on the path of self-empowerment and self-realization. This is normal for most people, and even mores for those who are challenged, and in some cases, challenged in many different ways.

What can we learn from this? Is it possible to gain wisdom or learn lessons to improve our lives if we are looking to others to help us define what we want or even who we are?

I believe there is the potential for learning and improving ourselves in any situation, if we choose to treat the incident this way: as an opportunity for growth, and to give or receive love. This includes all the ways we try to find sexual partners and/or romantic loves in our flawed lifetimes. After all, not only is imperfection built into us as humyns, but our society has also taught us to be jealous as a way of showing love, and to compare and compete, rather than be authentic and cooperate.

Remember, this soulmate attraction series is for people who are "polyamorous, recovering, survivor, and/or tantric." Because I identify as such, I am also including persun of color, female, and/or LGBTQIA (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, intersexed, asexual).
Recovering can be from abuse, addiction, illness, or any other trauma including war or homelessness. Survivor can mean from abuse or natural tragedy.

Here are some tips to remove comparison and envy from your heart and attract right partnership:

1) Assume nothing, and always put the focus back on yourself.
If you're single, don't assume that because a couple, or triad, etc., looks happy to the outside world that they are. And even if they are as happy as they appear, don't assume they are happier than you could be yourself, whether solo or partnered.
If you're a person of color, don't assume that white people have an easier time in love.
If you're LGBTQIA, don't assume straight people have it easier with relationships.
If you are disabled, don't assume the non-disabled have it easier in relationships.
These are just a few examples of how we trip ourselves up and muddy our love energy that attracts all of our experiences.
Instead, remember that we all are on this harsh earth plane together. Each of us is given our own set of joys and struggles to learn and grow from in life. No one escapes struggle in life, and this includes the so-called better off that we envy. Let's focus on our own path and possibilities, and practice being free, open, loving, generous, and joyful instead, regardless of our bodies, limitations, or circumstances. Remember, everyone is worthy of, and can attract love and right partnership no matter what. But, we have to get out of our own way, energetically, to help manifest that love!

2) Immediately be happy for people, and return the focus back to yourself (are you beginning to see a theme here, folks? Ha!).
When you find yourself feeling jealous or envious of someone for any reason, immediately assign yourself to the task of being happy for them. This will take time, to go from switching gears emotionally, to begin listing in your mind the reasons you are happy for them, and to eventually feel your emotions begin to match the words that you are telling yourself. But, similarly to affirmations, meditating, praying or any other spiritual practice, you will begin to see the rewards of your efforts, clear and cleanse your heart space, send much more positive, loving g energy, and attract more pleasing and healthful relationship partners along the way!

3) Train yourself in properly handling feelings of insecurity, which is what emotions like jealousy, envy, competition, comparison, and possessiveness are all rooted in.
One of the things I value most about the poly community is our vast resources of books, articles, conferences, retreats and other gatherings where we can learn how to better have relationships with one another. In a society that says one man and one woman make a marriage, the poly world has created some of the most sophisticated concepts around love and making a family, because we desperately need those tools to survive as self-empowered lovers, parents, artists, leaders, and activists.
The poly community is where I learned that showing jealousy is not a sign of love, but a sign of untreated insecurity. Poly is where I learned that the solution to almost all feelings of security is self-focus, self-care, and self-love. When you know that comparing yourself to someone else comes only from a place of, and causes even more, pain, you learn to stop doing it and refocusing on loving yourself instead.

4) Create your own love stories!
Any place you place your love and it is received in kind can be a love story. That love needn't even be returned, only received and appreciated. That love story can involve you:
Smiling at a stranger once a day.
Contributing money or your energies to a cause you believe in or an organization which supports your well-being.
Taking in or adopting an animal in need of love and care.
Re-connecting to long lost friends or family members of choice or origin.
Following your bliss, doing what you love, rekindling a creative dream or project.
And many more examples...

5) Make self-love a daily practice, and keep the focus on yourself.
Take time today and every day to love yourself more, to do what you love, to make yourself happy, and to care for and share that love with others.
That way, your resolve will be strong and when you are approached with temptations to cheat on your own self-love with jealousy, envy, competition, or insecurity, you'll be able to say, "Nope! No thanks! Next!" and move on to continue creating the joyful place in your heart that has always been there and is getting stronger, more beautiful, and attractive every day!

Focus on what you want to grow, and be content, no matter what!

See also my related articles:

Jealousy & Envy: 7 Ways to Heal and Grow (http://wisdom-magazine.com/Article.aspx/1894/)
Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us (http://wisdom-magazine.com/Article.aspx/2225/)

Cassendre Xavier has been writing the "Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us" series at Wisdom Magazine's online edition since 2011. She is the author of the chapbook Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Dating & Relationships for the Poly, Recovering, Survivor & Tantric, and has presented her workshop of the same title at Sisterspace Weekend in Darlington, Maryland, and continues to do so annually at the Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia. Cassendre was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at age 23. She has been a member of Philadelphia's LGBT, polyamorous, and New Age/ancient wisdom spiritual communities since 1991, and from 1996-1999 facilitated Sisters Healing Together, a peer support group for women survivors of incest with a special focus on compulsive overeating, which she also founded, at the William Way LGBT Community Center in Philadelphia. She is an ordained Interfaith Minister who has been practicing her own kind of tantra since the late 1990s, and since her teens has been in recovery. Under her self-assigned spiritual name Amethyste Rah, Cassendre released the popular Affirmations for Survivors guided meditation audio series (“Self-Love” and “Spirituality” in 2007, and “Sexuality” and “Life Skills” are forthcoming). Although she is not a drug or alcohol abuser, she identifies as a person in recovery, and all of the events she produces are chem-free and sober. For more information, please visit http://cassEndrExavier.wordpress.com


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