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Amethyste’s Angels: Healing After Fundamentalist Christianity

by Cassendre Xavier


I believe the angels help us to be strong in who and how we are, and to live, and worship, boldly from a loving, instead of from a fearful place.

I was reared in a strict, anti-gay, sexist, fundamentalist Christian household. My mother would often say that my God was the head of the church and my father was the head of the house. Looking back as a fifty year old I can see how out of sync that outlook was with my nature.

I am a feminist, female, queer/same-gender loving (LGBT identifying as well as ally) woman who never saw anyone heading the family unless everyone in the household agreed with that person’s right to be in that role. In my mind, only those who had earned the right to lead could lead, anywhere, including the household.

I also never really bought the idea of sin. I remembered as a child thinking that there was no sin, except for wasting our talents.

Discovering angel spirituality did a lot to turn around some of the damage that was done by having been reared Fundamentalist Christian. For one thing, angels are non-denomenational. Anyone can believe in angels, and most people do (according to lots of studies and books I’ve read.)

The angels helped me get back to a place of love. (It also really helped to be more educated about homosexuality and spirituality around the world and throughout the ages. I learned that most of what Fundamentalist Christianity says about being gay has nothing to do with facts and real people living real lives full of love and happy family life.

I never really wanted to be a Christian, and only “accepted Christ” so that I wouldn’t go to hell.

I also remember thinking that being a child in Sunday School, hearing very detailed accounts of what hell was like, must be some form of child abuse!

I was abused as a child and still suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Many people who grew up Fundamentalist Christian have recovered more quickly as I have (and some, who had more severe trauma or reasons to fear, are recovering more slowly than I).

My childhood trauma combined with being spiritually abused with the fear-based doctrine that went against my natural, loving self, made the path to undoing the damage a long and winding one. At age 50 I still sometimes struggle, still sometimes doubt, still sometimes have nightmares of hell.

But I know deep down my truth is the only one that counts. And I am writing this to share the hope and the light with others who may have the same, or a similar, struggle.

I was always a spiritual seeker… In my late teens I started to learn about paganism and Wicca. That continued into my early 20s. Then I learned a little about Zen Buddhism. Then I explored Judaica (and almost converted, twice), Islam (almost converted once), and almost accidentally joined a cult (watch out for those “free meditation” workshops advertised on college campuses)!

I tried Universalist Unitarianism, Science of Mind, and A Course In Miracles (ACIM), but nothing helped as much as angel spirituality, and learning how to channel my own guides.

When I prayed, meditated, and wrote with the divine guidance of the angels and my ancestors and other spirit guides, I learned to listen to the love in my heart, and to pay attention to the answers that appeared there. Answers that my mind asked, were answered by the loving angels in my heart.

I had a major breakthrough one day. I was looking at a picture of hell. It was a painting from long ago, painted by a famous white (European) man.

I had, by then, lived at least a couple of decades knowing that I valued my own spirituality as a bisexual, pagan, polyamorous Pagan Womon, than I did anything anyone else came up with, that I didn’t identify with. It isn’t that I don’t know, like, or trust any white men. I do. But I am not going to go along with an idea that doesn’t match my beliefs, especially if it’s one that the white male dominant culture pressures me to believe.

One of the mixed blessings of not having written records of the faith of the brown pagan wimmin of my heritage is that I can trust that our wisdom is recorded on my soul and in my heart. I don’t need to read it in a book. I can make it up as I go along, and trust that what is working is because it either worked before, to an ancestor of mine, or will someday work again for my people who are born after me.

In this truth, my truth, I feel confident in my spirit and all fear of hell and sin are gone.

A Course in Miracles had taught me to focus on love instead of fear. The angels also teach of acting in love instead of fear.

As I looked at that painting of hell, such a horrible, horrible depiction of monsters the likes of which I had never nor could never conjure up on my own, I realized: “This is not my vision. This is YOUR vision.” Meaning, this is white man’s idea of spirituality. This is what he wants me to believe, to fear, to act on. And I realized this: I don’t have to follow. I don’t have to believe.

I saw that those were not my ideas. Hell had never been in my heart at all. I didn’t come up with the lake of fire. This isn’t my bag, and I’m not holding it anymore!

So, I offer the following to you who may be struggling on this path, who may have been reared in a fundamentalist religion that is not supportive of who you are. These are the thoughts and actions that helped me. May they help you as well!

1)Find out who you are, sexually. Are you gay, straight, bi, trans, asexual, etc? Spirituality and sexuality are not only very closely entwined, but quite often most major religions have something to say about different kinds of sexuality. First discovering or better understanding your own sexuality will greatly help you in selecting a spiritual path that works for, instead of against, you!

2)Decide which kind, or kinds, of spirituality or religion that best fit you. Some people aren’t into a particular religion. Some people choose a path of yoga, or community service, or poetry as a literary and social practice (being around poets and poetry readings), or something similar with art. Others choose the recovery path/12 Step Movement/sobriety and service to their recovering addict peers as their spiritual practice. Some folks choose a combination of them all. A physical house of workshop or particular dogma or religion may not be for you. Be open to what feels good and right for you!

3)Always keep your focus on thoughts and actions coming from a place of love rather than fear. When you have love or fear as your guide, it will be that much easier to make the right choices.

4)Learn to meditate. Enough said!

5)Consider learning more about angel spirituality and communicating with the angels and your own inner guides. I recommend the book: Opening to Channel: How to Connect with Your Guide, by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer.

I believe that the powers that be want us to be unempowered and separate from one another. One of the ways they do this is keep us from exploring our own inner truths, and trying to get us to be fearful of one another and of ourselves and our own spirituality. The powers that be want us to believe and trust them blindly yet fear our own hearts and beliefs.

I believe the angels help us to be strong in who and how we are, and to live, and worship, boldly from a loving, instead of from a fearful place. The angels and our own wise spirit guides and ancestors want us to believe ourselves, trust ourselves, and choose our own spiritual practices, faiths, and beliefs, freely and confidently, and without fear.

I wish you well on your spiritual path and journey. May it be lit with lots of light and love the entire way for you!

Amethyst is the birthstone of, and Amethyste Rah is the self-assigned soul name of multi-media healing artist Cassendre Xavier. Amethyste has done angel readings, dream interpretations, and spiritual counseling in various forms since the early 90s. She was ordained by God before birth as we all are, and by law in September 2010. She is the creator of the Affirmations for Survivors guided meditation series, with “Self-Love” and “Spirituality” released in 2007, and is working on “Sexuality” and “Life Skills”, as well as a new line of angel and crystal meditations in progress. Amethyste’s meditations feature background music of light by Thaddeus, used with permission from www.orindaben.com. Under the name Cassendre Xavier, she has been a monthly columnist at Wisdom Magazine’s online edition since 2009, and has been a performing and recording singer-songwriter-guitarist and published poet since the early 1990s. For more information, please visit www.cassendrexavier.wordpress.com


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