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Soulmate Attraction (& Tantra) for the Rest of Us: Clearing Resentment for Improved Intimacy

by Cassendre Xavier


Resentment is one of the greatest blocks to emotional and sexual intimacy. It can appear unnoticed, be stuffed down and "forgotten," but then appear in unconscious and painful ways. One of the ways to avoid being hurt by unhandled resentment is to practice mindfulness, and logging the resentments to be addressed later.
Here is something to try:

Take time every day, a few times a day, to check in with yourself and noticed your feelings. See how you are feeling not only emotionally, but also physically in your body. And check not only how you are feeling about your partner lately, but about other things in your life, too.

Also, try to be more aware in the moment when you are having potentially tense or even just casual and easy conversations with your partner. If you notice a thought or feeling of resentment, notice it, articulate it in your mind and jot it down. Arrange and agree with your partner to have a "Resentment Cup" session weekly. This cup can be any cup at either or your homes.

During the week, each of you will jot down resentments on little slips of paper, and put them in a cup or mug at your respective homes (if you live together, it can be one mug).

These slips of paper are saved until the scheduled time to talk about them. During the week, if you can, you will try to not pay attention to the resentments, because you know there will be a designated time to address them. Also, during the week you will have time to formulate your thoughts about them. Also, some of them may no longer be resentments by the end of the week - you may feel better about and let them go.

On the designated day, you will both go to a room with either a couch or two chairs where you can face one another, and start by holding hands, looking into one another's eyes, and thank one another for the love and all the things you want to thank them for and that you love about them. Then make a commitment that you will clear these resentments with forgiveness by the end of your session.

Then, taking turns, and using a timer if needed, you will each read one resentment at a time, and say why this thing bothered you. The partner may repeat what they thought they heard, and they may add "Is there more?" The partner may apologize or explain their side, and they can continue until the resentment has been cleared. The ideal result is for the persun who is expressing the resentment feel complete and when they say they forgive their partner, they really mean it. Let it be noted that it isn't necessary to feel complete in order to forgive.

Ideally both parties will feel better because they will have aired their grievances and both given and received forgiveness and clearing.

Most couples'/partners' intimacy and sexual problems stem from unexpressed and unresolved resentments. The Resentment Cup exercise is a way to develop habits of mindfulness, communication, and forgiveness on a regular basis to clear the space for love and an enjoyable and healthy sex life (intimacy) to happen. Best wishes!


Cassendre Xavier has been writing the "Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us" series at Wisdom Magazine's online edition since 2011. She is the author of the forthcoming book Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Dating & Relationships for the Poly, Recovering, Survivor & Tantric, and has presented her workshop of the same title at Sisterspace Weekend in Darlington, Maryland (September 2014) and the 10th & 11th Annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia (February 2015 & 2016, respectively). Cassendre was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at age 23. She has been a member of Philadelphia's LGBT, polyamorous, and New Age/ancient wisdom spiritual communities since 1991, and from 1996-1999 facilitated Sisters Healing Together, a peer support group for women survivors of incest with a special focus on compulsive overeating, which she also founded, at the William Way LGBT Community Center in Philadelphia. Under her self-assigned spiritual name Amethyste Rah, Cassendre released the popular Affirmations for Survivors guided meditation audio series (“Self-Love” and “Spirituality” in 2007, and “Sexuality” and “Life Skills” are forthcoming). For more information, please visit https://cassendrexavier.wordpress.com/


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