Enlighten Yourself

What if we were already perfect the way we are? What if we could just stop trying to improve ourselves endlessly? If we were able to stop blaming ourselves for our shortcomings and come to terms with our needs and attachments? Acceptance-based meditation combined with relational psychotherapy can help us learn how to love ourselves – maybe with just a few minor improvements.

For many of us, the only way to cope is often to withdraw from people and situations that seem difficult or overwhelming, which cuts us off the most basic source of self-esteem and wellbeing: fulfilling relationships. At the same time, we crave to be more involved with the world and others, but cannot bring ourselves to overcome our passivity and fear of rejection, and remain on the outskirts of life, never quite able to express ourselves fully and to verbalize our frustrations openly. Meditation especially when combined with psychotherapy supports us in our quest to live a fuller and happier life.

Many people withdraw not just by not responding, but simply by absentmindedness, daydreaming, social disengagement or even by sleeping too much. They suffer from a number of beliefs about themselves that are organizing their experience of the world and cause us to behave in certain ways that ultimately comes back to us in harmful ways. Often we are not even aware of these convictions and they come to light slowly through the process of therapy or meditation. Many people believe that their presence is genuinely unwanted: that they waste other people´s time, that they aren´t likable, that they are a burden to others. By their withdrawn demeanor they push away people that care for them, which forces them further onto the path of self-isolation. With the help of a therapist they slowly learn that they have a basic right to be loved, and that their self-image of being a nuisance can be replaced by the conviction to be lovable.

Because they are afraid of rejection, they comply with what they think is expected of them, often not knowing or denying their own needs until the relationship becomes so dissatisfying that the only solution is to completely disengage. Often they think that they need too much and have nothing to give. Feelings of worthlessness and self-effacing or downright self-destructive behavior are a common occurrence. Because they feel useless and unwanted, they often remain passive, always waiting for someone to approach them and take them out of their misery. Although often misinterpreted as passive-aggressiveness, they have no other choice than to retreat this way in order to protect themselves from injury. By nurturing self-esteem in them, therapy helps them to become more proactive in their life.

Because unconsciously they are afraid of being rejected or even abandoned, they must become “independent”: not having to rely on anybody, always taking care of oneself alone becomes the mantra of modern life, and still leaves us with subtle feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction. Yet, the ultimate goal is to become interdependent, to be able to rely on several sources of support and self-esteem.

An important part of meditation is the striving to engage fully in every moment and to stop avoiding difficult feelings or situations. A practice like that reinforces the effort of getting out of one´s own head and instead paying attention to what is actually going on in the real world around us.

Because we are often unaware of our needs and put other people´s needs first, we neglect and repress our own wishes until they explode into anger and rage. By practicing meditation and paying attention to one´s own thoughts and feelings, we become more aware of our own needs, how much we can tolerate and where to draw the line with others. Awareness is one of the most effective tools of change, as proven with issues like weight loss or gambling. I practice a form of meditation that focuses on paying attention to oneself as well as others. Over time one´s own anxiety and fears that are represented in negative beliefs will move into the background, and the practitioner becomes able to pay attention to her surroundings without neglecting her own needs.

With the help of meditation practice we become aware that many of our thoughts are just thoughts and often have often little to do with reality. By identifying our convictions and realizing how little substance there often is to them, we become able to distance ourselves from our own convictions and stop acting on them. At the same time we let go off unrealistic goals and start accepting who we are, and how much we can and want to do to change ourselves or our environment. Not accepting oneself is ultimately one of the greatest causes of suffering. Accepting and eventually forgetting the self is not just the path to enlightenment, but also to individual growth.

Gerti Schoen is a psychotherapist and long time meditation practitioner with private practice in Manhattan, New York and Hoboken, NJ. She is specialized in relational self-psychology and has been practicing Zen meditation in the tradition of the Ordinary Mind school, founded by Joko Beck. She is the author of the forthcoming book “The Gentle Narcissist”. www.gertischoen.net