Five Stages of an Ideal Mate

In over three decades of giving intuitive consultation, the most prominent questions deal with romantic relationships. When? Who? Is my current interest/involvement “the one?” Although there are many issues and variables to consider in choosing to enter a relationship, author John Gray in Mars and Venus on a Date defines the five stages of dating as attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. I’d like to share my views on these stages.

Stage One: Attraction - This is when you meet someone and bond with them physically, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally. You recognize that the person has many qualities that are on your needs/wants list. You know that you want to get to know them better. Attraction at some level happens instantaneously. With rare exceptions your ideal mate will be someone with whom you’ve bonded (on some level) during the first stage. Sometimes we may focus too much on the physical aspects of a relationship when we’re in the attraction stage. It’s important to find out if you’re attracted to the person’s mind, how they respond to life emotionally, and how they incorporate spirituality into their life. Ultimately, you want a holistic relationship, which is a combination of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual bonding.

Remember, attraction is only the first stage in any relationship. It’s when you’re flirting, and smiling at the sound of their voice and presence. This is also referred to as the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

Stage Two: Uncertainty – This is when the relationship dance begins. You realize that you may have met “the one.” You start to question compatibility. You may think, “If only he would change this or that, he’d be perfect.” Unfortunately, your fears about relationships begin showing up, whether you summoned them or not. We may ask for perfection, but we have to realize that perfection is different to each person. The purpose of coming together is to learn to love each other despite our flaws and to grow past them. In the uncertainty stage, we may have a tendency to think we should leave because of these flaws, but that’s just a normal part of the process that makes the relationship cohesive. The uncertainty stage is also about addressing our fears about relationships. Remember, we attract what we actually believe, not just what we think we believe. So when you’re feeling uncertain, pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass.

Stage Three: Exclusivity – You’ve moved through uncertainty and are now seeing each other exclusively. You’re both questioning whether or not this person really is your ideal mate, and you want to give the relationship a chance to grow without the influences of outside romantic interests. You aren’t in an exclusive relationship until both people want it to be exclusive and verbally agree to it. Never assume you’re exclusive until it’s been discussed.

Don’t confuse exclusive with engaged. It’s not the time to start making wedding plans. It just means that you’ve agreed not to date other people. The exclusive stage is when you actually put the relationship cake in the oven. In stage one, you bought the ingredients and decided what type of cake to make. In stage two, you actually mixed the ingredients together. And now you’ve decided to see how the recipe tastes, so you’ve poured it in the pan and put it in the oven. You still don’t know whether it’ll bake, come out of the pan in good shape and be edible, or whether you’ll need to work on the recipe some more. But you’re willing to take the risk to find out.

Stage Four: Intimacy – You’ve been experiencing attraction to your partner on the physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental levels. With the intimacy stage, you actually get to begin to let those levels intertwine to create a holistic relationship. This is when real love begins to flourish. In the first three stages we appropriately maintained some emotional walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt. During this intimacy stage, you each start letting go of some of the protective boundaries so you can really get to know each other in a non-protective, emotionally wall-less environment, and you’re opening the door for all your fears about relationships to enter the picture.

This stage of dating will begin bringing out the best and worst traits in both people. Your trust and faith in the process, yourself, and each other will be tested. It’s the beginning of building the foundation for your possible lifetime relationship. In this stage you’ll really determine if this is your ideal mate.

Stage Five: Engagement – In the engagement stage, you adjust to going from an “I” to a “we.” Your thinking may already be at a “we” stage, since that develops during the first four stages of dating. However, we’re each individuals and have a need to maintain our own identity. It may take longer for your beliefs to adjust to the concept from being an “I” to a “we.” Your decisions will affect not only you, but your mate and the family you may decide to create together. Your life isn’t just about your wants and needs any longer; it’s about you, your mate, and the life you’ve agreed to share together.

It’s essential to recognize that all relationships have their own development time line. One couple may need to be in the exclusivity stage for three years, while another may become engaged after knowing each other for six weeks. It’s not about chronological time; it’s about understanding the importance of allowing yourself and your partner to experience each stage of dating at a pace you’re each comfortable with.

Your relationship with your ideal mate is one of the most important things you’ll ever create. Avoid shortcuts through the various stages. Those shortcuts reflect unexamined beliefs that can hide, but are always truthful. You may have to really sort through your emotional suitcase, but if you do, you will then have the required clarity to actualize a true ideal relationship.