Understanding Resentment

Resentment can be considered a feeling of indignant displeasure that results from being wronged in some way, whether it be because of an unfairness, an insult, an injustice, or actual injury. It is certainly not merited or deserved. But a deeper understanding of this universal emotion can shed several lights on it.

The first is frustration. A person cannot necessarily avoid the treatment. He cannot reverse it. And he may not receive the much-needed apology for it. Added to this frustration is the fact that the offender may not have any empathy or feeling for the harm he causes in any of its forms and may, in fact, not even be aware that he has done anything to merit it.

The second entails frequency. The person must determine if the resentment is the result of a single incident or several successive ones, in which case a pattern has been created. In this instance, the affected must examine why he or she has continually tolerated it without mention. Reasons can be many: the need to avoid conflict, fear of friendship loss, a high tolerance for adversity, low self-esteem, poorly defined boundaries, the need to mollify and people-please, and an inability to stand up for himself.

This inability results in yet another aspect—namely, the person’s own inability to stop or correct the treatment and the anger than escalates because of it—at himself. Each uncorrected, unprocessed incident forms a layer on top of the previous one and even the slightest inclination of what sparked the original resentment can create a hairpin trigger, leaving the person to explode because of what has become the tip of his proverbial iceberg and threatening the relationship.

Like a clog in a drain, these unexpressed emotional holds are soon no longer clearable and create an impenetrable wall between the person and his more positive feelings, leaving him to chew on and ruminate about the unresolved injustices in nothing more than an unending treadmill manner.

“…Ruminating becomes even more fruitless as you realize that even if you could go back (to what caused your resentment), you were not the actor,” advises Matthew Kelly in Life is Messy (Blue Sparrow, 2021, pp 14-15). “You are acted upon. You were not the cause; you’re suffering is the effect.”

The more a person looks over his shoulder at something that occurred in his past, the more that past becomes his present, leaving him mired in it.

Another aspect of resentment is that some consider it beneficial. They erroneously believe that they continue to “punish” the other person as long as they retain their grip on him through it and consider it a virtual coat of armor that will protect them from future hurts, whether administered by the specific person or another.

But what they try to do to them, they only do to themselves. Like acid that eats its own container, it does nothing to the infractor. The resenter remains alone with his progressively choking grudge, and his stance to the infractor can only be expressed by, “how little of me to be so full of you.”

“I thought resentment would prevent me from ever being hurt again,” according to an Al-Anon member share in its Hope for Today text (Al-Anon Family Group headquarters, Inc., 2002, p. 263). “It took some time in the program…before I began to understand that living my life under the heavy burdens of rage and resentment was hurting me. It affected every relationship I had, including work contracts, friends, family, and social acquaintances… In my vehement determination to no longer be a victim, I held the hostility that perpetuated my pain.”

Another aspect of resentment is the unfulfilled expectation that sometimes creates it. Often equated to a down payment on a disappointment, expectations imply a predetermined outcome that may not necessarily be delivered by another or a circumstance, and that feeling may have nothing to do with another’s intent to hurt or harm.

There are methods of dealing with and diminishing resentments when they arise, despite the fact that some of them may evoke reactive responses when they are considered.

Determine, first and foremost, if you believe that the comments or actions of others that generate the resentments are their intentions.

Determine that they are even aware that they do. You may be surprised to learn that they are not.

Determine if they way they are delivered may not just be due to their methods, mannerisms, and intensities, but that they actually mean well.

Assess why they generate resentment in you—that is, why do you believe and accept what they say. Could it be because there is an element of truth in them, for instance, and that they force you to acknowledge an aspect about yourself that you do not wish to?

Ask yourself if others would take these resentment-causing comments or actions the same what that you do.

Determine if they are repetitive of or of a none-time nature. If they are repetitive, ask yourself why you allow them to continue without taking corrective action and coming to terms with the person before they escalate to intolerability and cause a strain or altogether breakdown of the relationship.

Whether repetitive or of a one-time nature, determine if your resentment is particularly intense because of similar comments or actions you have experienced from others that you have also failed to process or correct.

Finally, strive for forgiveness. This may be the most misunderstood concept, because many think that it indemnifies the other person.

“Instead of thinking of (forgiveness) as an eraser to wipe another’s slate clean or a gavel that I pound to pronounce someone ‘not guilty,’ I think of it as a scissors,” according to another Al-Anon member’s share in its Courage to Change text (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 289). “I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or a past hurt.”

Forgiveness is for the person who holds onto and harbingers the resentment. Instead of “forgive and forget,” think more in terms of “forgive and let go.”

Resentments are about the past, but, unless understood and effectively resolved, pollute the present, giving the offender the continued power to hold the offended hostage in his head. And, while it is unrealistic to expect to completely avoid them, those experienced yesterday can be dealt with as they occur so a person can release the restrains they impose on him today.

Robert G. Waldvogel has earned the Interdisciplinary Certificate in Behavioral Health for Late Adolescence and the Emerging Adult and a Postgraduate Certificate in the Fundamentals of Cognitive Behavioral Treatment at Adelphi University’s School of Social Work. He has led Twelve-Step support groups on Long Island for the past decade, and created the Adult Child Recovery-through-Writing, and the Strengthening Our Spirituality Programs taught at the Thrive Recovery Community and Outreach Center in Westbury. He is a frequent contributor to Wisdom Magazine.