Understanding the Need to People-Please

While there is nothing intrinsically wrong with wishing to be kind and helpful to others, and some religions even consider “doing for other as other” the ultimate expression of love, anything taken to extremes indicates the deficiencies that serve as their often-hidden motivations. People-pleasing, which can entail caring for others at the expense of the person doing the caring, anticipating their needs, and portraying themselves as indispensable, is certainly one of them. Understanding it requires the identification of repetitive, sometimes-automatic behavioral patterns that demonstrate it and then determining what fuels them.

There are numerous reasons for people-pleasing and all of them seek often unrealizable, unrealistic payoffs.

Being nice to others, first and foremost, may have a “return in kind” goal, but there is no guarantee that the other person will reciprocate or even can with similar attitudes and emotions. Preoccupied, embroiled in his own problems, and operating from a lower state, he may respond with a less-than-idealized mood, leaving the originator of the kindness both stunned and short-changed.

Seeking to be accepted by and fit in with others is another people-pleasing goal. But if doing so becomes a sacrifice for the person’s true self, it carries a heavy expense and one whose acceptance is based upon a falsity.

“Most human beings have an instinctive need to fit in,” according to a share in Al-Anon’s Courage to Change text (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 261). “The urge to belong, to keep peace, helps us get along with others and be a part of society…(But) people-pleasing becomes destructive when I ignore my own needs and continually sacrifice my well-being for the sake of others.”

Another reason behind people-pleasing is the existence of codependence. Defined as a disease of lost self-hood, it results from having been brought up by and hence overinfluenced by addicted or dysfunctional parents who were “dependent” upon alcohol or other substances and therefore caused their children to become codependent or “dependent with” them. Unknowingly plugged into others, these children become extensions of the parents, succumbing to the whims, wills, and likes of them. In this case, pleasing them becomes the equivalent of pleasing themselves, since there is sometimes little distinction between the two.

Yet another reason is the reward for the behavior.

“It is possible that you go above and beyond your friends and family so that you will receive the same care and attention in return,” according to Courtney Glashow in her “11 Reasons Why You Are a People-Pleaser” article (Anchor Therapy, November 25, 2019). “But what happens is that not everyone is capable of giving as much time, attention, gifts, and love as another. That would lead you to feel that you are putting in way more energy and effort into your relationships than others are.”

Still another reason for people-pleasing is the need for approval, which itself can be one of the returns of this strategy. It equally may fail to result in the reciprocal reward and may indicate a lack of self-belief.

“We all need an occasional pat on the back,” according to Courage to Change (op. cit. p. 9). “But when the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given them power over me.”

The need for this tactic can be minimized or altogether eliminated with an increasing sense of self-esteem.

“If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity,” Courage to Change further explains (p. 9).

An extension of this approval goal is external validation for the purpose of achieving a sense of self-worth. But this can be considered nothing more than “other-worth” and is a false and fleeting replacement for true self-worth.

“…I found that I have always judged my value on the basis of my accomplishments, or on what other people said about me,” another person shared in Courage to Change (ibid, p. 80). “This meant I had to work all the time or constantly make myself the center of attention. At best, my sense of satisfaction was fleeting.”

Many people-pleasers feel a sense of guilt for saying no to something they do not wish to do and often feel that they must provide a satisfactory explanation and justification for their refusal. But “no” is and can be a complete sentence: they just do not want to do it and they do not have to detail why.

Part of a people-pleaser’s reason for avoiding refusal is that they do not wish to disappoint others. However, even agreeing to what they do not wish to do will not necessarily avoid that disappointment—and it will certainly not avoid the disappointment to themselves as they compromise themselves.

“We can’t please everyone,” Glashow advises (op. cit.). “There are just some people that it will be impossible to please. We are not all perfect and you will most likely experience some form of disappointment from another person you encounter in your life.”

Everyone needs to feel accepted, liked, and even loved, and people-pleasing can be one of the behavioral strategies employed to avoid rejection. And the person who may reject may determine the level of its avoidance—a close friend, a parent, or a boss—who can cause emotional and monetary consequences direr than the rejection itself.

While the old saying of “to go along is to get along” may apply to many of the reasons for these people-pleasing strategies, it assumes greater importance when it seeks to avoid conflict. Few enjoy unpleasant, taxing confrontations or even out-and-out fights and the rifts they can cause, followed by potential lack of communication and connection. It takes considerable strength and self-confidence to endure them and see their ultimate benefits.

“While conflict has a negative tone behind it, it is actually a part of communication and helps us grow,” according to Glashow (ibid). “If you can get through a conflict with another person at work, school, or elsewhere, then it will make you a stronger and better person.”

Conflict signals greater and even threatening implications to so-called “adult children,” who grow up with alcoholism, para-alcoholism, dysfunction, and/or abuse. It causes their later-in-life regression to powerless parental interactions and they often resort to people-pleasing as adults to mollify and disarm those they feel represent those parents or primary caregivers, striving to minimize feared danger.

All of these people-pleasing reasons result, to greater or lesser degree, from fear of abandonment, anxious or insecure attachment, insecurity, a need to control, and low self-esteem; and may become more prevalently used during vulnerable, weak times.

It requires a serious self-examination to understand the motivations behind them.

“Was I willing to face the real me behind this people-pleasing image,” an Al-Anon member asks in Courage to Change (op. cit. p. 207). “Fed up with volunteering to be treated like a doormat, I squared my shoulders and answered ‘Yes.””

As Swiss psychologist Carl Jung once said, “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.”

Doing so may bring your people-pleasing motivations into focus.

Robert G. Waldvogel has earned the Interdisciplinary Certificate in Behavioral Health for Late Adolescence and the Emerging Adult and a Postgraduate Certificate in the Fundamentals of Cognitive Behavioral Treatment at Adelphi University’s School of Social Work. He has led Twelve-Step support groups on Long Island for the past decade, and created the Adult Child Recovery-through-Writing, and the Strengthening Our Spirituality Programs taught at the Thrive Recovery Community and Outreach Center in Westbury. He is a frequent contributor to Wisdom Magazine.