Owning Up

Given free will and subjected to human limitations, people make mistakes that can cause consequences to others, whether they intend to do so or not. Although no one can undo or erase his misdeeds, he can own up to them and ultimately create value as a result of them.

This is considered one of the vital actions in any twelve-step program, whose step five reads, “(We) admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

Every thought, feeling, emotion, and action has an originator—or the person from whom they come—and only that person can claim them. When it comes to adversely causing harm or detriment, he can be considered the first domino to fall, which in turn results in the fall of others’, as they become the recipients of his effects. And they may not stop there. Others, whom the originator does not even know, may also be negatively impacted beyond his circle of acquaintances or relatives.

Owning these wrongs, however, may not be the effortless action that would at first be apparent.

Most people, first and foremost, like to believe that they have--and therefore act from--the cornerstone of truth, but that “truth” is usually determined by their knowledge, experience, limitations, and even capability. Since they have nothing with which to compare it, they usually conclude that it must be the absolute.

Another restriction to ownership is pride. Many people simply do not wish to admit that they are wrong, and their ego erects its defenses when they do.

Extreme wrongs can be considered sins—or separations from God—and even entertaining the thought of admitting them can be the equivalent of willfully falling into a pit without anyone to catch them.

Those who have been affected by pure- or para-alcoholism, which perpetuates partially because those so afflicted continually use the tactics of deflect, defend, and deny, often employ these themselves to avoid admitting their wrongs. Indeed, they may not even believe that there is anything to admit.

“Step five invites me to leave the emotional prison in which I have spent my life and seek ongoing recovery through working the rest of the steps,” according to a share in Al-Anon’s Hope for Today text (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002, p. 168).

Often isolated and suffering from low self-esteem, they consider owning up a confirmation of their own sense of inferiority, which they accept without examination or question. Doing so, they fear, will only result in the rejection they have frequently received.

“I was intimidated by step five, because it meant revealing my darkest secrets to another person,” according to a share in Courage to Change, another Al-Anon text (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 127). “Afraid that I would be rejected for being less than perfect, I put so much energy into hiding the truth that, although no one rejected me, I was as isolated and lonely as if they had.”

Any wrong a person has done, whether consciously or subconsciously shelved, lurks within and awaits his admittance and ownership of it. To do so is the equivalent of shining the light on his darkest deeds.

Owning up to wrongs has many values, some of which may not at first be apparent.

Acknowledging what a person has done becomes the first step to reducing or altogether eliminating the likelihood that he will repeat it.

When he lays claim as its originator, he will be unable to defend, deflect, or deny it. The action began with him and ends with him, at least in terms of responsibility.

The process begins to plug the holes in his soul and can become the first step to realizing the reasons for his Higher Power separation.

By examining the path of detriment that he has caused, he can clear the one ahead of him—that is, by learning from the past, he can chart a better future.

Admitting wrongs demonstrates strength and integrity and fosters growth and development as a person, which is in and of itself an accomplishment of a personal nature.

Finally, doing so may lead to separating the deeds from the doer—in himself and in others—leading to the conclusion that what a person does is not necessarily what he is.

Robert G. Waldvogel has earned the Interdisciplinary Certificate in Behavioral Health for Late Adolescence and the Emerging Adult and a Postgraduate Certificate in the Fundamentals of Cognitive Behavioral Treatment at Adelphi University’s School of Social Work. He has led Twelve-Step support groups on Long Island for the past decade, and created the Adult Child Recovery-through-Writing, and the Strengthening Our Spirituality Programs taught at the Thrive Recovery Community and Outreach Center in Westbury. He is a frequent contributor to Wisdom Magazine.