How Do I Perceive Life?

Our lives are subject to constant change. We either notice this change externally or we feel it internally. It is in our nature that – at the beginning of our lives – we grow, develop and change externally, as well as grow, develop and change internally.

A simple example of this is that we grow physically as children and therefore perceive the size of the spaces and the environment in which we grow up differently than we do as adults. Another example is that we reject a person, get to know them better at some point and thereby discover commonalities and find them sympathetic. Of course, this also applies vice versa.

So our perception is not something fixed. We can change it, for example, when we receive new information or shift our focus to something else. In some areas this happens automatically without us thinking about it or doing anything – in other areas it happens consciously and intentionally.

What Shapes my Perception?

To answer this question, we should know more about the connections in life. The living conditions in which we grow up shape our perception of life and influence the direction we take and the way we deal with life. Why this is so depends crucially on our first and most important relationship: the one with our mother.

Nature ensures that the body releases the bonding hormone oxytocin during pregnancy. This creates the emotional bond between a mother and her child while still in the womb. After birth, the hormone ensures that this conncection is maintained or promoted during breastfeeding. This mother-child bond normally works well, so that the mother builds up an intimate relationship with her child, takes good care of it and the child is able to develop normally.

However, there are situations in which the circumstances of the expectant mother are stressful because, for example, she has become pregnant unintentionally and/or her living conditions are difficult. Sooner or later this can cloud or put a strain on the mother-child relationship, so that the mother cannot, should not or does not want to establish an emotional bond with her child. The newborn perceives this rejecting, emotionless attitude, but – apart from "protesting" with cries – it is unable to do much about it.

Basic Trust
Basic trust is one of the most important things in our lives. It reflects the trust in life and gives our life a basic stability. It is comparable to the foundation of a house. If we have great basic trust, we feel safe, stable and secure. The better our basic trust is, the more serenely we can face life. Because of our basic trust, we hold an inner security and have confidence in ourselves that we can cope well with all situations in life.

Depending on how trusting and stable we felt the bond with our mother as an infant and toddler, we were either able to develop naturally and build up a good basic trust or precisely not.

Of course, there are other attachment figures besides our mother, such as our father, older siblings, aunts, uncles or grandparents, with whom we were able to build a close bond and who had or have an influence on our basic trust.

Little Basic Trust

If we were not able to build an emotionally stable connection with our mother (or another attachment figure) as an infant and toddler, we have little basic trust. Our natural protective mechanism kicks in here and ensures that we build a wall around our heart to avoid further emotional hurt. Actually, we want to feel safe and secure, but with a wall around our hearts, that does not really work –

how is that supposed to work? Our tactic is therefore: attract attention at all costs.

In this way, over the years, we acquire a "distinctive" behaviour (e.g. introverted, extroverted, very helpful, very egoistical, very diligent, very lazy). What we do not realise, however, is by doing so we are having the very experiences we are trying to avoid. Our tactics do not have the desired effect and thus we remain unbalanced and continue to suffer in silence.

Every situation in which we are "triggered" indicates an inner open wound. We then either feel fearful, angry or sad. We are usually not aware of the connection between these situations and our lack of basic trust, so we do not know how we can get out of them.

Brainwaves

Let us turn to another factor that is directly related to our perception: our brain. Our brain is already created in the womb. When we are born, however, it only exists in its basic structure. Measurements of brainwaves (electrical signals of nerve cells in the brain) using EEG have shown that our brain initially operates at low vibration frequencies, which results in us living in an unconscious state as infants and toddlers. Over the years, the brain then generates higher vibrational frequencies, allowing us to become more conscious and thus more independent.

In the first approx. two years, our brain generates brainwaves of the delta frequency (approx. 0.5-4 Hz). We live unconsciously during this time and are extremely dependent on the outside world. In order to survive, we need all-round care and emotional affection.

Afterwards, around the age of two to six years, our brain works with a higher brain activity, the theta frequency (approx. 4-8 Hz). We can now use the ranges of the delta and theta frequency. Despite the expansion of brain activity, we continue to live in a predominantly unconscious state and therefore repeatedly still mixing the real world with the fantasy world.

The next frequency is the alpha frequency (approx. 8-13 Hz), which we use around the age of six to twelve. Our consciousness is now available, but not yet as present and less pronounced as it will be later. At this age, we are still very erratic and cannot yet concentrate for long.

The beta frequency (approx. 13-35 Hz) completes this area. It is available to us from around the age of twelve, We can now use all four ranges and are able to think logically, reflect and review situations, and concentrate on something for longer.

Subconscious

So for the first six years we live in a predominantly unconscious state. We make experiences and automatically store everything that is significant to us in our subconscious. The subconscious is a place in our brain that functions like a counsellor. Our brain compares what we currently consider important with similar events that we have already experienced. Based on that, we make our decisions.

This process takes place unconsciously, without us noticing it. Actually, this is a good and useful mechanism. But what if, in the early years, we often felt like no one was taking (good) care of us, so that we felt lonely, abandoned and insecure? Let us remember that everything we store during the first six years ends up unfiltered in our subconscious. So these experiences determine in a decisive way how we think, feel and act (usually for the rest of our lives).

Now let us think about what difference it makes how we perceive life if we had a mother (attachment figure) who gave us good basic trust to take along the way compared to one who could not give us that.

Emotional Imbalance

We should now be aware that no child/human being wants to voluntarily spread bad moods, be silent or cry. Nobody likes to be scared, angry or sad! Everyone who is emotionally unbalanced would like to change this and hopes to somehow get a grip on it. Most of the time, they just don't know how to do it.

So if someone is unbalanced and expresses their fear, anger or grief towards us, their behaviour has nothing to do with us! Therefore, it also makes no sense to react in the same way in such a situation or to think about guilt. What the other person needs in such a situation is a sense of connectedness (belonging), stability or security in order to regain balance.

Of course we should react with understanding in such a situation. However, that doesn't mean that we should expose ourselves to attacks and strains or tolerate bad behaviour because of it. We are allowed and should set our limits. We should simply become clear that emotional reactions are not directed against us personally. They show the suffering or imbalance of the other. If we understand this, we can deal with it calmly over time.

Interested in what is next? To be continued.

Sibylle Dörge passes on her knowledge about the connections in life from a psychological point of view. www.wisdomblissenlightenment.com