Understanding Self-Pity

Self-pity, which most people have engaged in on various occasions throughout their lives, can be defined as a self-indulgent dwelling on sorrows and misfortunes. Understanding it requires consideration of its dual nature.

The first, or “pity” part, usually results from what can be considered a “falling-domino day” or period of a person’s life when numerous negative aspects seem to combine to create that “perfect storm.” These can include failures, such as of projects, jobs, classes, exams, relationships, and, seemingly, life as a whole; illness, with its physical pains and discomforts; losses, of friends, colleagues, loved ones, and even employment; and disappointments of numerous kinds. Add a dose of emotional weakness, hunger, tiredness, and loneliness, and a person can easily fall into the proverbial pity pot.

The other nature of the manifestation is “self.” Since everyone needs human connection and kindred-spirit acknowledgement and compassion to provide a sense of comfort and understanding during such times, a person may assume this role himself in what almost results in a client-therapist duality. In other words, if there is no one to talk to who will offer empathy during such times, he will do it himself.

As both pitier and pitied, the person becomes a one-man or one-woman show.

There are several aspects to self-pity.

Preoccupied by personal problems and situations, the person, first and foremost, can become caught by them. The more he plows through them, the more likely they are to intensify until he becomes entrapped by them and the more difficult it will become for him to extricate himself from them.

Secondly, the brain’s default mode network ensures that it remains active and occupied with something at all times. Even if it has nothing in particular to focus on, such as working, interacting with others, or posing solutions to problems, it will seek to engage itself by rehearsing and ruminating about something that has already occurred, but was never taken to a satisfactory conclusion or resolution. A person is particularly prone toward its engagement during times of boredom, being alone, or being lonely.

Self-pity can be blinding. The more a person engages in it, the less likely will he be to see the good or the positive, and he may temporarily convince himself that they do not even exist.

“Sometimes I become so bogged down with dissatisfaction, that I can’t see where I am or where I’m, going,” according to a share in Al-Anon’s Courage to Change text (Al-Anon Family Group headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 279). “When I take time to think, I realize that negativity keeps my life at a standstill.”

Self-pity can be contrary to logic and reasoning. While a person may engage in it because the adverse or negative circumstances of his life do not seem to reflect the good that he is and has done and can therefore be perceived as undeserving, unfair, or unjust, they seldom have anything to do with punishment or even reward. The world, with its natural elements, such as severe weather and earthquakes, and the imperfect, impermanent people who live in it, can combine in infinite ways to create circumstances that have nothing to do with the person’s deserving of them.

Self-pity can be immobilizing, robbing him of a positive present, along with its more optimistic feelings, as he wallows in and then sinks deeper into emotional quicksand.

It is also unpredictable. The person may not necessarily know when the next set of perfect-storm circumstances will combine in such a way that he will once again become entrapped by them.

Finally, its duration is undeterminable. It is unlikely that he will be able to estimate how long the latest will last.

Since self-pity is a single-person, dual-aspect manifestation, it often requires the first side of it—or the “self”—to interrupt it.

“…While it’s good to acknowledge whatever I feel, I have a choice about where to focus my attention,” Courage to Change continues (ibid, p. 279). “I’m challenged to find positive qualities in myself, my circumstances, and other human beings.”

There are several “interruptions” that can improve, ameliorate, and even reverse self-pity’s negative effects.

Firstly, the person must be aware of his dwindling state. Since he has most likely entered it on countless previous occasions, he should take note of their antecedents and the associated emotional, mental, and physical aspects that result from them.

Secondly, he must confirm that feelings are not facts. They exist in his mind and can create emotional and physiological effects, but they are temporary and will eventually dissipate.

He also must have a certain degree of compassion, kindness, and understanding for himself. He is human. Like the images of a heart monitor, life’s moments rise and descend. There are good times and bad times. If his personal dam, because of numerous, adversely combining circumstances, temporarily breaks, then he must accept that this is one of those negative periods. He has had them before, he will most likely have then again, and so, too, will everyone else.

Finally, he must make both immediate and, perhaps, longer-term changes.

The former may include refocusing on something more positive, like a better memory, watching a movie, calling a friend, going for a walk, or tending a garden. The brain operates in a loop and anything that can serve as its exit ramp can elevate a person’s mood and perspective.

The latter may include applying for a new job, joining a support group, planning a vacation, going back to school, and/or seeking new friends.

It is unlikely that a person will never experience another episode of self-pity. But it is empowering to understand why they occur and what he can do to pull himself out of them when they do.

“If may be difficult to break a long-established pattern of depression, doom-sayings, and complaining, but it’s worth the effort,” Courage to Change concludes (ibid, p. 279). “I’ll replace a negative attitude with a positive one today.”

Robert G. Waldvogel has earned the Interdisciplinary Certificate in Behavioral Health for Late Adolescence and the Emerging Adult and a Postgraduate Certificate in the Fundamentals of Cognitive Behavioral Treatment at Adelphi University’s School of Social Work. He has led Twelve-Step support groups on Long Island for the past decade, and created the Adult Child Recovery-through-Writing, and the Strengthening Our Spirituality Programs taught at the Thrive Recovery Community and Outreach Center in Westbury. He is a frequent contributor to Wisdom Magazine.