Applying Gentleness to Life and Recovery

One of the negative manifestations—if not one of the very traits—of those exposed to alcoholism or para-alcoholism as a child or as an adult--is the tendency to become critical of others, and, eventually, of himself. Exposed to a parent or partner, subjected to harsh judgment, and seemingly unable to please or placate either with whatever they do or say, they ultimately turn this in on themselves and create impossible and unreasonable expectations they themselves can never achieve.

Gentleness is one way of taming and reversing this tendency, whether in be in life in general or in the recovery that facilitates it.

Applying Gentleness

There are several methods of reversing this harsh self-judgment tendency and minimizing it with gentleness methods.

§ Understand the origins of self-criticism and that directed toward others.

§ Reduce or eliminate unrealistic and unreasonable expectations, such as perfectionism--again from self and others.

§ Sense your pending reactions to certain people and situations be discerning a pattern based upon past experiences. Pause, take a deep breath, engage in self-dialogue with statements such as, “You know what this always does to you,” and try to become the command center of yourself and the circumstance and not allow past reactions to dictate your present ones.

§ Use “intercept” methods, such a slowing down, thinking first, tapping into the more reasonable portion of your brain, and reciting helpful slogans, such as “Think,” “How important is this,” and “This too shall pass,” all to temper and minimize your tendencies.

§ Place a significant amount of recovery between the origins of your reactions, if you have been able to pinpoint when they first occurred, so that they can be desensitized and the stronger side of you can prevail.

§ Adopt a new perspective, such as “I’m human and not perfect, so how can I expect this from others? How could such a person know that what he just said would bother or trigger me? I wouldn’t necessarily know what bothers or triggers him.”

§ Think of the unimportance of past situations, no matter how significant you thought they were at the time. “I survived this once before, so it’s likely that I will now” is a calming claim.

§ Shift from a micro (or self) to a macro view. Instead of obsessing because of something minor, like the proverbial spilled milk or a misspelled word, think instead of how insignificant these things are compared to the plights of others in the world enduring incurable illnesses or trying to survive in the midst of hurricanes and earthquakes.

§ Use time to alter your perspective. Think, for example, of a cemetery and wonder how many in it once freaked out over their “bad hair” days in life and then ask yourself how important they are to them now.

Gentleness Situations

Gentleness can be applied to numerous situations. Aside from these application tips, a person can further minimize his reactions by understanding the origin of his mistakes, determining his intention, and realizing if his actions were based upon inadequate or incomplete knowledge of something and whether he had the tools and capabilities to successfully carry them out. Understanding that he did the best he could based upon these limitations could ameliorate his harsh self-judgment tendencies.

Gentleness is necessary in any type of recovery process or program, in which a person attempts to understand the circumstances that led to his pathologies, process them, correct them, grow from them, and implement new behaviors. Doing so requires a long journey, and the “Progress, not perfection” philosophy can minimize his unrealistic expectations of rapid improvement. What may be more important is to review his overall understanding and development as a result of his efforts, and to realize that adopting new ways and perspectives may, at times, entail being tested and tempted and cause a return to old patterns before new ones can take root.

Finally, these gentleness methods can be applied to others.

Gentleness begins with the person, is applied to the person, and is finally applied to others.

Robert G. Waldvogel has earned the Interdisciplinary Certificate in Behavioral Health for Late Adolescence and the Emerging Adult and a Postgraduate Certificate in the Fundamentals of Cognitive Behavioral Treatment at Adelphi University’s School of Social Work. He has led Twelve-Step support groups on Long Island for almost 15 years, and created the Adult Child Recovery-through-Writing, and the Strengthening Our Spirituality Programs taught at the Thrive Recovery Community and Outreach Center in Westbury.